My brain is stupid

That’s it, really. My brain makes me see things as they aren’t, and I tend to believe it no matter what others tell me.

I log my weight in MyFitnessPal every morning without fail, and the resulting graph is pretty zig-zaggy. That’s okay. I know weight loss is not linear and as long as things generally trend downwards, it’s all good. But I do start to get down on myself for the graph not trending downward as quickly as I think it should be. Default view each morning is the last month’s worth of weigh-ins. So I zoom out to 2 months, then 3 months, then 6, then since my starting weight in March 2018.

That last graph is pretty damn impressive, if I may say so. But that doesn’t keep my asshole of a brain from deciding it’s not “good enough”. Then I scale the view to “All time”. That goes back to when I first started logging in MFP the last time I lost a significant amount of weight. That is the graph that puts things in perspective for me.

The above graph starts about 25 pounds into my last major loss streak. The lowest point was about when I ran my first half marathon, which is when I pretty much fell off the wagon health-wise. I find it fascinating how you can see how about once a year I’d have an “Oh crap, I need to get my shit together” moment, drop a few pounds, then just…. stop caring again. But seeing that huge drop at the end is super encouraging.

Also, this time around I’ve managed to keep up strength work in concert with my running. This is paying off in that I can wear the same clothes that I wore at my previous all-time low weight and they fit even better.

That brings us to last Friday morning. I was getting ready for work and every single shirt I put on felt like it fit like a circus tent. EVERYTHING was too big. So after work that day, I hit up the thrift shop for some new-to-me and better-fitting shirts. I tried on a full dozen shirts from the Large section. Three were too small and the rest were too big, so I decided to try on some stuff from the Medium section and you know what? THEY FIT.

I actually went home with four mediums and one small. (The small is still just a touch too small, but I liked it and could tell it should be comfortable soon so I went ahead and got it.) The problem was, I still didn’t feel like I looked any different in the mirror. So when I got home, I put together a side-by-side comparison of three photos. One from early March last year, and two from Friday – one in a medium shirt and one in the small.

Seeing those photos together, the difference is undeniable. But I still could not see the change without the “before” side-by-side.

Tonight I stopped by Target on my way home to pick up a new water bottle for running. On a whim, I decided to check out the clearance rack in menswear. There were a couple of shirts I really liked in the Medium section, so I tried them on. They fit so well that I couldn’t not buy them. And even better, I could see the change in myself without having to compare new photos to old photos! Here are my new new shirts:

So, yeah. My brain is a jerk but I’m starting to reign it in. Body dysmorphia is real, and it’s important to remember that.

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